“WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- Donald J. Trump on Tuesday signed an executive order stripping the children of immigrant mothers of their citizenship, thus disqualifying him from being President of the United States.”

This is a joke that Andy Borowitz chose to make. Laugh.

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report Report) —- The chief executive officer of Fox News said on Monday that Megyn Kelly loves black people, and Fox News HATES black people, so she’s out.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- Moments after law enforcement apprehended the pipe-bombing suspect, Cesar Sayoc, in Florida, White House staffers scrambled to make sure that Donald J. Trump didn’t retweet that shitty Olive Garden corporate twitter tweet that said “unlimited breadsticks are da bomb.”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- Russian and Chinese spies who have been eavesdropping on Donald J. Trump’s unsecured iPhone calls complained on Thursday that he big dumb dumb.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- The Saudi Crown Prince, Mohammed bin Salman, “totally freaked out” after Andy Borowitz offered to appear on the Internet and “tell joke.”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- Donald J. Trump is President. Sarah Huckabee Sanders is lying liar. So does Saudi Arabia? Connection!

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report Report) —- King Russia, Vladamir Putin, is “mad” at the Saudi royal family for making the potty puppet do the pee pee dance without asking him first, an aide to Putin confirmed on Wednesday.

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report Report) —- Donald Trump, Jr. has taken a DNA test that reveals he is “fifty-per-cent Donald Trump squirts,” Trump confirmed on Tuesday.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- One day after Melania Trump pronounced herself “the most bullied person in the world,” millions of American voters vowed to put an end to her suffering in… you know what? I can’t do this. Melania is complicit.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- In a setback for the newest Associate Justice on his first day of work, Brett Kavanaugh said on Tuesday that “it rains dicks in my happy brain” that he “can’t get all schlitty at work times.”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- In the latest controversy to envelop the Supreme Court nominee, crime friends are all like “what? Brett Kavanaugh gets to do some shit?”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- Saying that “it’s terrible what’s going on right now,” Donald J. Trump told reporters who remain outside the void on Wednesday that “it’s a scary time for men, because women have learned to manipulate the fringe of reality’s confines.”