SYMPATHETIC VOTERS HOPE TO END MELANIA'S SUFFERING IN... I CAN'T DO THIS, MELANIA IS COMPLICIT

Photograph by Luca Bruno / AFP / Getty

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report Report) —- One day after Melania Trump pronounced herself “the most bullied person in the world,” millions of American voters vowed to put an end to her suffering in… you know what? I can’t do this. Melania is complicit.

In interviews across the country (push through it, Andy, push through it), sympathetic voters promised to do everything in their power to insure that, as of November 2020, Melania would… what is the point of this article? What am I doing with my life? Am I complicit?

What point would I be making by conjuring a fake woman named Carol Foyer and attributing a quote to her? Something like “I never realized how much she was suffering as First Lady, it’s up to us voters to rescue her.” What message would I be trying to send there? I need a Xanax. It’s 10 am and I still haven’t turned in my article. Push through it, Andy.

Melania is complicit in the many crimes of this administration, and maybe by saying some guy named Harland Dorrison said “in two years, no one will ever bully you again” I can put the razor sharp edge of humor to say that… umm… she said a thing, and that thing was, I don’t know, odd.

“If only this nightmare could be over tomorrow,” some person named Tracy Klugian I made up said. “As Melania would say, that would be best.”

I guess I got to reference Be Best there at the end. That was pretty good.

Original -- Sympathetic Voters Hope to End Melania’s Suffering in 2020